If you’ve moved for your partner’s job and you hate it then you’re not alone.
When my husband and I were deciding where to buy a house, I have to be honest, Margate (where we now live) wasn’t at the top of my list.
I’m not a seaside-town-gal and part of me wanted to be with my friends up North in Manchester – home is where your heart is and all that.
We were living in London at the time and I liked the idea of staying in a city: I felt like I needed the atmosphere and the ‘buzz’ (oh, how things have changed).
For one reason or another though, the sunny-seaside-town of Margate, had our names on it and we purchased our two-up-two-down just before Christmas, 2020.
I was, by no means, dragged kicking and screaming, I was excited about the little town, but whenever I felt lonely, London-sick or irritated by the vigorous westerly wind, I couldn’t help but feel resentful.
Inside I was like a small child kicking toys out of their pram: “why did you make me move here,” I would think.
Of course, he didn’t ‘make me’ do anything, we came to an informed decision together and, I too, was enthralled about a new life in Margate, but sometimes I didn’t fancy living with that thought.
Reasons not to relocate for a job
We moved to Kent because we wanted extra space, but we wanted to be close to London; my husband is a musician and I’m a content creator – we need to work from home with some sound-insulated walls between us. Ideally.
So I guess you could say we both moved for work, in a way. But work isn’t everything. As I’m sure you know.
According to studies, community has a positive impact on our mental health and as headlines would read: ‘loneliness is a bigger killer than smoking.’
If you have a close knit community – if you know the guy who works in your local coffee shop and your Mum lives up the road – then maybe that’s worth more than a bright, shiny new job.
“I resent my partner for making me move for their job”
Resentment can be the death of a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be; depending on what you’re resentful for, you can get over it, but it might take time.
In my case, I was probably angry at myself more than anything; I couldn’t provide the means for us to stay and live in London myself so there was a grieving process to go through and some acceptance to be had (not to mention some toys to be picked up and put back in the pram – figuratively).
To get over resentment in a relationship you need to get to the root cause of it and communicate thoroughly with your partner; letting anything fester can be a recipe for disaster.
How I learnt to love where we moved to
As I mentioned earlier, community is important to us humans and although it might seem impossible to build it from scratch, it can be done.
As soon as I started to feel grateful for everything we had here, instead of everything we didn’t, my resentment melted away. I threw myself into my new life and began to love it: I joined as many clubs as I could, I reached out to people online and I threw a dinner party for some women in the area.
Creating a home I love living in has been a really important factor in learning to love where we moved to. I put my heart and soul into renovating and decorating, so much so, it’s hard to get me out the front door!
Read more: my husband won’t let me decorate
How to cope when you’ve moved for your partner’s job
- Set a deadline to review the move after a year or two, if you’re still not happy then you can both reassess and think about jumping ship.
- Give yourself some time; it took me about a year and a half to love where we’d moved to.
- Remember why you moved in the first place and everything you were excited about doing.
- Write a gratitude list; write everything you love about your new life (even if it’s only small things).
- Get involved in the local community.
- Hold a coffee morning for other people new to the area (don’t be afraid to be the instigator).
- Join Facebook, WhatsApp or Instagram groups for your local area and get chatting.
- Explore, explore, explore! Explore everything your new home has to offer and the surrounding areas. Discover everything it has to offer.
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